I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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