I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
