piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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