i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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