i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
