I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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