i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
