I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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