haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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