period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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