What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
