I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
