it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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