I showed him my bush... on skype.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
