that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
