the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
