it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
