so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
