I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
