He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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