I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
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