I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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