You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
