I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
