Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
