Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.