i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
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dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH