Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
