I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
