Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
