I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
