she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just invented taco cereal.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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