I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
