I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
