Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
