thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
