i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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