Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
