: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
