eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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