I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Randomize
