all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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