how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
