you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Alive.
So much puke
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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