she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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