So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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