Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
