I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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