She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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