you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
