turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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