I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
