I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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