There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
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Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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