so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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