Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
