the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We are all done wearing pants today
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
