yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
