So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
