I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize