We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
