It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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