God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
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