If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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