I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
