They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
